The Rant- Monday Blues- Repressed Memories of a voiceless child living under the Good Ole saying, "What's done in this house."

**Disclaimer: I'm not a licensed therapist. I'm a human with her own thoughts, opinions and, responses to situations in life.

Because I felt like I was the voiceless child, raised under, "what's done in this house, stays in this house," I became the angry, bitter, resentful, heartbroken, spirit-broken 23-year-old single, brown, parent of two black boys, and in another relationship with a controlling, domineering, physically, mentally, and emotionally abusive black American man. I was so broken that I stayed in that relationship for 8 years because I was raised with the saying, "What's done in my house, stays in my house." So, when I ended that relationship, I was 29 years old and pregnant with my last and final son.

I became the 30-year-old, brown, single mother of three black boys when I understood something had to change. It was after I had my last child that I started having these horrible dreams, that I realized weren't dreams at all. They were repressed memories that my mind could no longer block out. Not having a voice as a child and attempting to tell my parent whom I thought I could trust, tell me I was lying, and shut me down. I placed that memory in a locked case in the back of my mind and threw away the key. That is until I had my last son, and it all clicked because looking at him, I saw me as a baby. He was the only one of my sons who had my entire face, freckles and all, and that's when I knew I needed to talk to someone. But it had to be someone I could trust. I told the only other person whom I trusted wholeheartedly about the sexual molestation that happened to 9-year-old me.

Only then was I able to seek the help that I needed, to begin the healing process of not being protected, and constantly getting into long-term relationships with controlling men. During my rebirth, I was no longer the single brown mother of three sons, who was angry, bitter, resentful, heartbroken, with a broken spirit. I knew the importance of being a single brown mother raising her three, brown sons, on her own. I understood that I had the power to give my sons their voices back.

It took years for me to reprogram my brain and teach myself how to love myself first. I was then able to teach my sons how to love me, as I love them. It was then that I forgave the one who caused me so much pain and terror. It was then that I learned to forgive myself for not trusting in God and my family. It was then that I found my voice. It was then that I realized that I'd have to break the curse of, "what's done in my house, stays in my house." I made sure my sons knew to tell someone if anyone did something to them that made them ever feel less than. It was then that I gave my brown sons their voices to fight back with.

You see not everyone who struggles with mental, and emotional issues is crazy. Some are dealing with very deep, dark wounds that haven't been accessed and healed. So, don't judge them. Be there for them. Be there safe place so that they can tell you what's happening with them. Remember, not everyone is looking for you to solve their problems. Sometimes they just need someone to believe in them, to believe them, to listen with a clear mind, and to be a haven for them.

To all of those who are going through something, please believe that you are not alone in this world. If I can get through some of the darkest chapters in my life, and still be standing, then you will too. You will weather the storm. There's light at the end of the tunnel, you just have to be willing to get through it first. Love yourself the way that you want to be loved. Don't give up. Teach people how to treat you, by treating yourself first and putting yourself first. It's not selfish. It's self-healing.

Peace, love, and self-healing.

N