The Rant- Friday-Real Talk

I'm sitting here listening to one of my all-time favorite R&B artist Jazmine Sullivan and her song "A Girl Like Me." The song starts with, "I made a profile on Tender," and then says "You're gonna make a hoe out of me." Damn. I feel her. Then she says, "I'm done with that good girl shit." Powerful. I've been down that road one too many times. I was the girlfriend, the fiancée, and the wife. I did it for 10 years and I realized that just wasn't for me. It wasn't what I wanted. I can remember when I was little, my friends all wanted to be married with the white picket fence and two kids, but I was the one who was always quiet. I always wanted to have at least three kids but for some reason, I never pictured a husband in that picture. Maybe somewhere in my young mind, I knew that wasn't for me. Don't get me wrong, I did try it and I gave 100 percent of myself to each relationship that I had with both of my children's fathers, and to my husband, but honestly, I got tired of the same routine. That could be the bipolar in me. Yes, I am bipolar as per my last psychologist. However, let's get one thing straight, being bipolar is not what the commercials would have you believe. I do deal with depression but not in the traditional sense. There are times that I go through these moments of self-reflection that make me a little sad about the dreams I gave up but that's as far as I go. When I'm feeling that way, I find things to keep me busy. Now on the flip side of that, I do have intense highs, but again, not in the traditional sense of highs.

My intense highs are more of a sexual nature. I become hyper-sexual, and when that happens, I have to shut down so that I don't act on those feelings. Are you wondering how I shut down? Well, it's taken many years of experience and a lot of failed attempts, to be honest, but what I started doing was staying home more, and cutting down on drinking alcohol because as we all know a normal person's inhibitions are lowered, whereas hyper-sexual inhibitions (bipolar brain) with alcohol means there are no rules, all is tried and applied. Also, I want, what I want, when I want, how I want or it's on to the next. When I'm on that high, it's such an exhilarating experience.

Realistically, it's every woman's desire and every man's dream. Imagine coming home every day to a blow job or getting your box licked as soon as you walk through the door. Then have the best sex of your life. That mind-blowing, body-tingling sensation that comes with releasing all of the stresses of the day. It's like coming home to a clean house, cooked meal, hot bubble bath, body and foot massage, and the cherry on top, the release of a lifetime. Now triple that feeling for the day. That's what it feels like on a hyper-sexual high. You want to experience sex in every way. You want every nerve ending in your body tingling. Being hyper-sexual makes you hunt. You become the hunter. I digress...I went too far into my mind. That's what it feels like. Ooh...my playlist...Patti is playing right now, "If You Only Knew."

Let me go back to the topic of the conversation. "You gonna turn me into a hoe." Every woman has felt those words at one time or another, and believe me, she has done those exact things that a hoe does, whether she wants to admit it or not. I know I have, and I enjoyed it. Although I've never made a tender profile. I don't think I did. Anyway, sorry for going off-topic again. That's how my brain works. Every woman has an internal hoe in them that they keep locked up in a safe only to be used for emergencies that why I find it funny that we go so hard on women who let their hoe flag fly. Jazmin Sullivan's song hits hard because it's the truth. We're tired of being good women for bad men. At, some point that shit gets old fast. Men are quick to want a good woman but can't handle one. In reality, what he's looking for is the kind of woman who's just like him in all retrospect. I grew up around my boy cousins and I watched them play so many damn games on women too many times. That's why I am who I am. I learned from them. I also learned a lot of their ways. Whoever has dealt with me as a woman can testify that I'm not going to spend the night at your house. I'm up and out. I'm home before the sun and getting myself together to start my day.

I'm not going to call you unless I want to see you and we won't be having any small talk because that's not what I came there for. You know it and I know it. If you please me and I release, you'll get a kiss on the forehead. If I didn't come, you'll get the good ole, "I'll call you when I get home." Nothing more, nothing less. This is what happens when a good girl goes bad, like Jay Z said. I'm aggressive and I know that, but most men can't handle an aggressive woman. So, I know that if I were to think about jumping into a monogamous relationship with someone, they'd have to be just as aggressive as I am, or it wouldn't work. That's what I learned in my marriage. I was the alpha and I saw the potential in what he could be, but he didn't see it in himself. He felt like his masculinity was being challenged or questioned but it wasn't. He just wasn't as aggressive as I needed him to be so in the end, I filed for a divorce.

That's real talk, people. Hope you have a great weekend.

N.